This world is filled with many evils, from Bronwyn Newport’s endless inflatables to Bravo’s refusal to air taglines. To The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, though, nothing compares to the evil endured on the plane ride from hell.
It’s been days and weeks and months, and yet, that plane ride is all the women can talk about. Bronwyn has become a U.S. citizen, Britani has gone through at least three breakups, and Heather’s daughters have grown up in the blink of an eye. But what of Whitney, who has spent every day since the cruise in abject terror that Meredith will strike again?
Whitney has lost her Wild Rose, the beauty company that was allegedly on the verge of Sephora shelves pre-implosion, and she’s determined to be the thorn in her enemies’ side. So, she rolls up to Bronwyn’s celebration of citizenship party in some colonial chic to remind us what America’s all about: incoherent fights between selfish people in some storage unit. Bronwyn claims to have all the money in the world, and yet…
Here, Bronwyn takes a page from Heather’s pioneer ancestors, offering the ladies yet another “game” designed specifically to tear them apart, dubbing it the Boston “spill the tea” Party. It’s not quite as enticing as “who would you throw off your wagon?” and doesn’t pack the vicious punch of “pull out the meanest text you’ve ever sent about someone at this table,” but it’s a valiant effort, nonetheless.
The game is simple: Each Housewife has to write a different Housewife’s name on her “ceremonial” tea box to throw into the metaphorical harbor in an effort to squash the beef and move forward as one. That’s the idea, at least.
First, Angie apologizes to Lisa for not believing she owns a horse, despite all the proof Lisa has one. She’s about to buy a second! No, photos aren’t available online as Lisa is very conscious of her digital footprint… or something.
Next, Britani asks who told Jared she was flirting with “J-Woww” on the cruise. Okay, apparently she was referring to Joao from Below Deck, but she botched the pronunciation a bit. Britani is destined to date men with simple names like Jared (Jare-id), even if he’s dumped her for the umpteenth time. Their love can withstand the rocky waves of a Below Deck crossover.
Always evil in a game setting, Heather offers an olive branch of tea to Bronwyn by asking her if she thinks it’s funny her husband cheats on her while farting. Bronwyn doesn’t laugh.
Bronwyn’s favorite thing about being an American is the moral sanctimony that comes with it, after all. That’s why her tea spill is all about how amazing she is and how much she can’t stand gossip.
Bronwyn may have giggled and pretended she wants an open marriage at lunch with Whitney, but, apparently, Whitney’s insinuation Meredith has a substance abuse problem horrified her. She simply showed that by laughing while bobbing her head, as opposed to acting how she would if she enjoyed it, laughing while bobbing her head.
This launches us into yet another round of Meredith vs. Whitney, focused all on the plane drama that Britani, murder victim, has long forgotten about. We’re on week four of this when we could be asking Bronwyn about her identity theft allegations, asking Mary about the accusations that her church is a cult, or asking Whitney if she regrets dying her hair red.
The women are hell-bent on proving Meredith slipped into a manic rage, and it’s not like anyone truly disagrees with them. It’s just that, what is the endgame? Meredith already apologized to Britani. Does she need to deliver a full State of the Union address about it?
Sure, she’ll never quite admit what happened on that plane, and it’s easy enough to believe a good chunk of Bad Weather’s events, but it’s even funnier to sit stone-faced and call Whitney a liar.
“You can’t just call me a liar,” Whitney says, while Meredith doubles down: “You’re a liar.”
“You want to go there? You’re going to call me a liar, let’s do it. Alcoholic! Pill-popper!” Whitney retorts, before claiming she made these claims out of love. She calls her friends pill-popping alcoholics because she cares.
This leads an unamused and slightly enraged Meredith to bring out a little gift in the form of a drug test, which everyone declines to take. Bronwyn’s been a citizen for two seconds; she can’t be taking drug tests on TV.
Instead, the women fly back to the plane debacle and discuss that, once again to no resolution. This topic simply won’t ever die, unfortunately, although it has killed off what’s left of Meredith’s friendship with Heather. That almost makes it all worth it, seeing as theirs is a feud that’s sure to be diabolical. For now, though, it’s time to cool our jets with the plane talk.
Maybe, just maybe, the women actually realize that. With everyone in disarray, the women seek to declare new amendments for the group, ones no one intends to uphold. That’s what the American experience is all about.
