Real Housewife Finally Admits She Was in a Same-Sex Relationship

In the land where nothing ever happens, sometimes, things almost happen. But they don’t. That’s Beverly Hills, darling—shi shi shi.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is all about groupthink and status quo, where the worst thing you can do is be open and honest. That’s why the Housewives have welcomed Rachel Zoe with open arms, knowing full well she’s too even-keeled to start any real drama.

Amanda brings an instant jolt of energy to the illustrious hills, rocking the lob of a woman who will be indicted in two years’ time for some heinous white-collar crimes. Hey, if she can manifest her money, why can’t I manifest a fraud scandal? Jen Shah has been released from prison, and the Housewives universe must restore its balance.

Amanda’s introduction to the group isn’t exactly seamless, bringing a good, old-fashioned throwback to the days of “Oh, hi Tamra Judge, my realtor! I am Heather Dubrow, local busybody. Would you like to show me a house and perhaps integrate me into your friend group?” She’s the new owner of Kyle’s Bel Air home, whose horrifying renovations caught the ire of social media, and she “bumped into” Kyle recently. Now, she’s helping pick out china patterns for Kyle’s daughter, Alexia, naturally.

As Amanda arrives, Alexia is shuttled off to do the actual shopping while Amanda, Kyle, and Sutton—all carrying different Birkins—have a little chitchat. Within a minute, it’s clear Amanda is unhinged in the beautiful way all Housewives should be.

“He says he manifested me, and he’s a better manifester than me, when I’m kind of known for manifesting,” she tells the ladies of her fiancé, who stalked her down the streets of West Hollywood.

I just want to embalm her in her current state to keep her from losing this joie de vivre. The Beverly Hills Housewives hate a boisterous newbie who wants to shake things up. They broke down Brandi Glanville until she was a disposable asset to sic on Denise Richards, crushed Dorit’s joie de vivre so badly she had to get a personality—and face—transplant, and have spent the past five years pelting Sutton Stracke with rubber bullets. Can the queen of money manifestation survive the #BeverlyHillsMeanGirls? Let’s manifest that.

As for the oldest vet in Beverly Hills, Kyle Richards rolls up to her estranged husband’s new home in lesbian pride colors while declaring she’s single, and not quite ready to mingle. You may be wondering if Kyle is actually single or if she and Morgan who-should-not-be Wade are still engaged in whatever exactly was going on there, and Kyle realizes that.

So, she sits down with Erika to discuss what can’t be discussed, saying quite a lot by saying nothing at all, after years of saying nothing at all by saying quite a lot. Here, Kyle finally admits she was in a relationship with someone, somewhere, although she doesn’t say who. It’s not exactly subtle, as Kyle asks Erika, “If you were seeing someone that you cared very much about, that specifically says, ‘Please, I’m not a part of this group, and please be respectful.’ Would you betray that person just because people are curious?”

This is where the Kyle Richards dichotomy gets frustrating, as, on paper, I fully understand that dilemma. Realizing later in life you’re bisexual, right as the marriage with which you defined your adulthood falls apart, is inherently a huge life change, one not exactly made to be dissected by Agatha from Augusta. But… the Daily Mail just doesn’t follow B-listers on coffee runs without a push, so I’ll proceed with the necessary cynicism. Perhaps Kyle’s pap calls were an effort to make Morgan define the relationship, creating tension that ultimately led to their demise? I love fan fiction.

In the land where nothing ever happens, sometimes you have to craft your own theories to enrich the text, after all. It’s not all cocktails and caviar—there are conspiracies for anyone with eyes to see.

Of course, Jennifer Tilly does her best to make something happen, inviting the ladies over for a paint ‘n’ sip party, where the Housewives paint some naked twinks, one of whom pops a pose so deadly he may need physical therapy. The gays are always doing their best to prop up their Housewives.

Here, some tension arises between Amanda and the other ladies. First, she and Boz hit a speed-bump when Amanda says she considers her stepchildren her children, since she’s raising them, and Boz acts as though that’s ludicrous. Then, Amanda asks for a mocktail, to which Erika says “boooo, boring!,” leading Amanda to ponder, “Am I going to be shamed for making good life choices?”

None of this is that scandalous, obviously, but it’s the scene-setting for an Amanda on the outs, as a more agreeable Housewife would just smile and nod along in the face of petty hazing. If Amanda’s worth her salt, she’ll reveal her stepchildren’s birth mother passed away, begging with her dying breath for Amanda to raise those children as her own—on one condition: Don’t order cocktails at Jennifer Tilly’s sip ‘n’ paint party. How dare these ladies say what they did, knowing all that? Eh, I’m trying. I haven’t written fan fiction since I was 13.

Finally, conflict arises between Dorit and Kyle, after Dorit reveals PK is blocking her children from going to Florida with their grandparents unless he’s there, too, “just to be mean.” Kyle tries to sympathize, but darling, it’s cocktail hour. Save these tears for a solo scene or something.

Nasty, villain Kyle muttering “I can’t keep discussing this situation” with no empathy is exactly what this show needs, and so I stand by her defending a defenseless man. I think she should do it more. Everyone get meaner, now!

With that, another week in the land of nothing has ended, somehow filling me with optimism for the remainder of the season. Even at its best, RHOBH operates as a slow-burn—seriously, go back and watch the acclaimed Season 5, which delivers nothing but pleasantries until the seventh or eighth episode. There’s something lovely about all the place setting, new dynamics being formed in a city that’s never strayed from its status quo.