We’ve all been there, our friend group split between two yachts because one friend threw water on another, who then retaliated by exposing private texts at a celebration of life.
The Real Housewives of Miami have been divided down party lines. In the wake of Guerdy dressing down Julia—or so you’d think, given the outsized reaction—the group is more fractured than ever. As Alexia made clear to Stephanie, you’re either with the Miami Mamis or you’re against them.
On the two sides of the divide are the OGs, Alexia and Marysol taking Julia, while Adriana has crept over to Guerdy’s side. That’s spelling trouble for the longstanding friendship between Julia and Adriana, who have been thick as thieves since Season 4, and those ripples have become fully formed waves as the ladies take sail.
But first, the newest Miami Housewife and the departed Nicole Martin flash their new money wealth, as a reminder the revolving door of Housewives very rarely reinvents the wheel. They even share a romantic history (Anthony!).
On one end, you have Stephanie, who has gutted her husband’s 22,000 square foot former marital home to reinvent it as her own. She’s not a trophy wife; she’s a lifetime achievement award, after all. Goodbye Tuscan kitchen, hello black and white interior that will look dated two years ago.
Meanwhile, Dr. Nicole has reentered the villa so she and Guerdy can hit home the “Wow, Miami used to be so fun! When did everything get dark and disturbed?” narrative, complete with a $96,000 Birkin. That’s quiet luxury.
Nicole, Guerdy, and Julia were once the three musketeers, allied by their newbie status in a sea of old-school sharks. Now, Julia has cozied up to the OGs, Guerdy has become a pariah, and Nicole is swimming in calmer waters, only dipping her toe in for a cutesy catch-up. Even she’s confused by the immense fallout between Guerdy and Julia, which further goes to show why Guerdy sharing the texts at an event with dozens of extras was so misguided. No one knows why you ladies are fighting, and quite frankly, doing all this to be third seat at the reunion just can’t be worth it.
Somehow, Larsa says it best: “I don’t feel like these text messages should be released to strangers, because I know both these parties and I don’t care!”
Of course, Guerdy’s growing confidence in her own delusions is the beautiful result of four years on TV, and I hope our stunt queen never lets up. Show up to BravoCon and hijack the Miami panel with something even more convoluted. Guerdify every moment!
The boat day commences, the groups split as such: Larsa, Alexia, Marysol, Julia, and Stephanie; Kiki, Adriana, Lisa, Guerdy, and some girl named Ebony. After Ebony’s introduction, I don’t think she’s ever seen again. Send out the search crew. I’m not kidding.
While the real reason for the split is Guerdy and Julia, it might as well be Marysol and Adriana’s persistent feud. Guerdy and Julia’s disdain is firmly on the surface. The OGs hate each other in a way you only can when you have this much history.
“Marysol, the ring leader, with her d--- dry knees, does not allow people to make their own opinions,” Adriana says, before heckling Marysol in the most beautiful way. Look, you can split up cast members all you want, but the best way to do it is divide, stir up the drama, and release them back into the wild, full of hate. Marysol and Adriana truly are two sides of the same coin, and that’s why they’ll never trust each other. Maybe it’s why they’ll never hold their rightfully earned mojitos again, too (sadly).
Of course, the real subtext of their feud (this time) is Julia’s newfound alliance with Alexysol, which has left Adriana firmly in the dust. Julia’s the funniest kind of social climber, one who will say whatever suits her in the moment without even pretending to be a little authentic. Here, she says Adriana’s “a not fun drunk, not like Marysol,” which might be the boldest statement ever made on television. After two years of Adriana purporting that Marysol has a drinking problem, it’s a knife, and fully intended as such.
Luckily, we don’t have to wait long for some fallout, as Kiki’s boat invades Larsa’s, the ladies initiating a water gun fight. Thus, it’s time for a good, old fashioned sit down between Julia and Adriana. It’s a visceral argument, one that reveals their friendship is already dead. All that remains is resentment.
It’s a bit unfortunate that all of Julia’s feuds this season have such questions hanging over their heads, such as “Huh?” and “Who cares?”, but that kind of ties into Julia’s overall character arc as a Housewives outlier. She’s of the archetype once popularized by Carole Radziwill and Alex McCord before her: an outsider whose moral role in the group becomes grayer and grayer the more she plays the game. This season may seem like a Guerdy takedown on the surface, but it’s Julia who will spell her own demise if she’s not careful.
But that won’t be tonight, as the boat dinner game is actually sweet, rather than a “Who do you trust the least?” redux. Lisa asks the sparring partners (Marysol and Adriana; Guerdy and Julia) to say something nice about each other… and they kind of do! Marysol thinks it’s cool that Adriana plays the piano. Guerdy thinks Julia’s a good mom (next week’s plot summary of “Julia reveals she’s estranged from her daughters” looms in my mind, but whatever… that’s next week). Please clap.
Things do go a little left when Alexia asks Guerdy why she shared the texts, feeling it was way below the belt. Alexia apparently would’ve preferred Guerdy went up there and shared some d--- pics, the “the receipt is in my head and in my heart” maven offering an accidental defense of Kenya Moore. I suppose you can see how Kenya thought that was an okay line of attack when this is the average Housewife purview.
Alas, the ladies put their guns down and have a fun night (seen in 32 seconds of flashback footage, since God forbid we laugh a little). Just when you think the group have found themselves in a neutral-enough spot, another feud emerges, all the way from Canada. Having departed the boat day early for date night in Montreal, Stephanie rejoins the group via FaceTime, where she refers to Alexia as a rottweiler, which would seem pretty mean had Alexia not said “I’m like a rottweiler” a day before.
Amnesiatic and beautifully enraged, Alexia hits Stephanie with an immediate “f--- you,” which sets us up for another week of Miami mayhem. These women are allergic to calm, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
